Mail Order

Her name was Leah, but that wasn’t the name she’d been born with. The documents she’d been given had the American name attached to her picture. They’d made promises about what her life would be in America. Freedom from a dictatorship that starved it’s people, was an attractive offer and one she couldn’t refuse. The group of foreign men came to her village, spoke her language and offered to escort her away from her misery. It had been a beautify story, but not entirely true.

After her boat reached American shores, Leah’s existence  had shrank. She was told they arrived in some place called Savannah, but she couldn’t see anything of the city from her room with it’s boarded windows. She was kept downstairs in a cramped unfurnished bedroom with a single lamp and small floor cot. There was a bedside table but no other furniture provided. She’d been given books and among them was a Korean to English translator. She’d filled her lonely hours with study hoping to one day have a conversation with her new mate and convince him to let her out of this room.

Leah was currently lying on her cot in the single sweat soaked dress she owned counting the minutes until her next meal. It was the only time she saw him. When the handle turned in the door Leah sat up straight and mentally prepared herself for the task ahead.

Her mate came down the stairs with a covered tray for her mid day meal. He was a white man, tall and tanned by the sun. Judging by the streaks in his dark brown hair Leah guessed he was at least 10 years older than her.  He sat the tray down on the bedside table and made a short bow, not meeting her eyes. He said nothing, as always, and turned to leave.

Leah reached out and grasped his hand. She knew it was a bold move. “Stay,” she said in English.  “Sit with me.”

His smile completely changed the shape of his face, it made him appear younger.  I have made him happy, good.  This is a start.

He took a seat on the cot next to her. His large hand engulfed her own until it almost disappeared. “Ethan,” he said pointing to his own chest. “Nice to meet you.”



Druid & Thief Conquer the World (6)


Artist conjuring by the fantastic Thaddeus Trueb!

Before partaking of this post, you might want to dine on posts 1-5 of Druid & Thief Conquer the World!



The next morning, they walked to the town of Moldy Bottoms. They found a busy market there. Selinde stopped to buy some ancient spells. Pikachu kept walking in search of something to steal. Wasn’t going to be easy in his wolf hybrid form, as people usually ran away screaming. On this day, however, he came across a group of people just standing around as if entranced.

“Don’t mind if i do,” said Pik, helping himself to the contents of their pockets.

Then it struck him that they actually were all entranced. All of them.

He turned around, feeling very uncomfortable.

Selinde was running toward him. “Just like in the spellshop,” she said. “What’s wrong with this town?” She waved a hand in front of the nearest villagers face. The man stared off into the distance and never blinked. She did a quick detect magic on the villager but the result didn’t make any sense. “Lets focus on one problem at a time. I think I saw an inn around the corner.

Pikachu and Selinde entered “The Maiden’s Head” and helped themselves to drinks from the bar while the patrons remained motionless in their seats and stared off into space. “Maybe they had too many of those spotted mushrooms?” he suggested.

“I have a feeling there’s something much more sinister going on. Here, let me see that arm.” Selinde began to mix up a poltice from the ingredients she’d purchased while Pikachu surveyed the room for the person with the richest looking clothes.

“Bugger all! There’s no damn lords or ladies in this midden heap.”

Selinde laughed. “What did you expect, the town is called Moldy Bottoms!”

“I swing my hammmeeeerrrr and smash yer head down! Yo ho, my hammer is miiighty. I pound your face right into the ground, Yo ho my hammer is strong!”

“Who the hell is that?” Pikachu looked to the direction of the sound.

“From the sound of that voice and those terrible lyrics it’s safe to say it isn’t the town Bard.”

“But it means there’s at least one person in town not frozen.”

An ale mug fell out of the sky and smashed on the table in front of them. The pair looked up to see a dwarf draped across the light fixture. It was naked, drunk and seconds from dropping it’s large hammer directly on top of their heads.

Selinde threw up her hand and froze the bleary eyed dwarf with a hold person spell.

The dwarf struggled against it, muttering the foulest of racial slurs.

Pik leaned back in his chair and propped his muddy boots on the table. “Reddora, what the bloody hell have you done to these people? Not that I’m complaining. Makes them all sorts of ways more compliant….”

“Wasn’t me, you ugly elf fiend! If you don’t let me go i’ll i’ll-” the dwarfs face screwed up, turning green. Pik took his feet off the table just in time to miss a spew of chunky vomit.

“Sick!” Selinde squealed in surprise and lost her concentration sending the suspended dwarf plummeting toward the ground.

Redorra, was wearing her helmet, but as usual, nothing else. “You scum-suckers!” She hopped to her feet, hammer in hand, took a mighty swing and instantly lost her footing falling backwards on her hairy ass. “Oof.”

“If you try the hammer again, I’ll open a portal to the fairie dimension and shove you right inside their mound!

“Wh-what’s that?” Redorra asked.

“It’s a world like ours except only fairies exist there. So there would be only fairies and YOU!”

“Nooooooooo!” Redorra protested and slammed her meaty fists onto the floor while simulatenously kicking her legs like a child. “I’ll be good.”

Druid & Thief Conquer the World is a foray into the imaginations of Mary Beecroft and Julie Bruce.

Druid & Thief Conquer the World? (5)

Please read previous sections of Druid & Thief 1-4 or this nonsensical adventure shall REALLY confuse thee!


“Ah bollocks,” said Pikachu, before transforming into a wolf hybrid and crossing the room to join his companion in the fight.

Selinde howled in delight opened her jaws wide and chomped down on the pretentious face of the priestess.

“Ahhh!” she screamed right before a fang punctured her windpipe.

“Guess your Goddess wasn’t paying attention today,” Pikachu growled in his half wolf voice. He chuckled as he swatted the nearest zombie fishman with his powerful arm and tore it’s body in half. However, since it was a zombie, it continued to advance on him dragging the ruined left side along behind it.

Selinde finished snacking on the remains of Galatea’s head, they hadn’t eaten anything but trippy mushrooms after all, and transforming to her wild shape did take energy. She transformed back into herself so she could use spells to help Pikachu clean house.

Even naked, with her mouth completely caked in Galatea’s blood, Pikachu couldn’t help but be aroused by Selinde. His trousers started to tighten even as a fishman zombie  grabbed his arm and took a bite while he was momentarily distracted.

“Awoooo!” Pikachu growled in pain and tore the fish zombie’s head from it’s shoulders and flung it to the other side of the room where it rolled near the holy headless body.

“Pik can you do the wind thing in that shape?”

“I think so,” he growled.

“I have an idea. I’m going to set them all on fire and then I need you to use your wind power to blow them away!”

Selinde summoned a fireball and directed it at what was left of Galatea’s henchmen. They all burst into flames and made terrible half scream half gurgling sounds.

Pikachu summoned the wind and blew the burning zombie fish out of the house and into the air where they rose until they could no longer be seen. His form started to shift as he began to return to his natural form but Selinde stopped him.

“Stay in your wolf shape. That thing bit you and your wolf form can probably handle it better than your natural state.” Selinde spoke a healing word and the needle like tears in Pikachu’s arm closed,” That fixed the wound but we still have to deal with the infection.”


Druid and Thief Conquer the World (4)

Selinde awoke to the sound of arguing. She could make out Pikachu’s voice and a female voice that she hadn’t heard for many years. “It can’t be!” That grating know-it-all tone, it could be only one woman.

I thought that bitch was dead. Selinde’s robe slipped from her as she stood and stalked into the other room in all her naked glory. “How did you get past my words, skank!”

“You indecent harlot, you can’t talk to a High Priestess in that manner!”

“I don’t plan to do any talking at all!” Selinde’s body melted and reformed itself into the shape of a snarling Direwolf.

In her wolf form Selinde was quite a foreboding sight, larger than any natural wolf with a blood red pelt. Pikachu wondered if he should perhaps reconsider his romantic goals. Maybe I shouldn’t be in love with a bird that can eat me?

The Direwolf’s enormous form took up most of the tiny living room. It advanced, jaws snapping at Galatea. The pinched face priestess regarded Selinde with utter disdain and threw up a light shield in front of herself.

Selinde howled and leapt at Galatea,  jaws open wide knocking the priestess to the floor and landing hard on her chest.

“Don’t make me do this, Selinde!” Pikachu was holding his Rod of Obedience and pointing it in her direction.

Selinde’s black lips curled up in a snarl.

Pikachu peed a little. “Okay, I had good intentions, Galatea. I want you to remember that. but I’d rather not risk getting eaten by my best friend. Sorry. You’re on your own.”

Pikachu set down the rod and backed up. “You always were a useless lout, Pikachu. How you survived this long, I’ll never know.” Galatea spat. Then she returned her hateful gaze to Selinde. “But you! You’re the one who pushed me off a ship and left me to drown!”

“We were fighting a horde of fish zombies! You got in  the way of her attack and by the time it was over our ship had gone too far,” Pikachu reminded, when he realized Selinde couldn’t defend herself in wolf form.

“I went to hell and back!” Galatea cried. “And I just so happened to bring some of those fish zombies back with me to finish what they started!”

Galatea snapped her fingers. In a cloud of smoke appeared five decaying man-fish hybrid zombies thingys.

“Ah bollocks,” said Pikachu, before transforming into a wolf hybrid and crossing the room to join his companion in the fight.


Abduction Day – Author Unknown

I can hear the rumbling engine that portends my end. The hateful behemoth sucking air and spewing smoke is only two blocks away, its intention to lead us to our destiny. I am no poet, merely a preserver of history. I want someone to know, someone to read this and feel my misery, our misery.

My mom cries in the other room. She has no power, neither do I. We will both be taken and I’m glad for once that my father is no longer living. I write this as a memory, to preserve my thoughts and feelings. Soon I will not be allowed to feel, my choice of actions reduced to lying on my back and spreading my legs for strangers.

We are told this is our duty, those females who are left. The good of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Didn’t a famous person say that once? I don’t remember their name, just as no one will remember mine.

Druid & Thief Conquer the World (3)

On our last adventure, Pikachu had given himself a nasty burn when he dove into the fire and dry humped a log!


“I think I’ll just go to bed now.” Pikachu slunk off to the nearest bedroom which wasn’t much bigger than a closet. He’d only been alone with his shame for a few minutes when he heard a soft knock.

“Can I come in?”

“I guess,” he said sullenly.

Selinde sat down on the bed beside him. “What did you think you were doing just then? You know you have some nasty burns now. I’ll see what I can do.” Selinde spoke a word in druidic and placed her hands on the crispiest part of Pikachu’s skin. The wounds knitted together before his eyes.

“Thank you, but you really shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s no… big… deal…”  Selinde fell forward and her head landed in Pikachu’s lap face down in his crotch.

“Ah!” He quickly grew a raging erection and gently rolled Selinde over to the side of the bed where she began to snore softly.

“I guess I should try and sleep.” Pickachu was exhausted but too aroused by the nearness of Selinde’s body to his. He almost jumped out of the bed when something touched the small of his back. He looked behind him to see Selinde slowly raising her knees to her chin and then kicking both her legs back down in one forceful motion. She did this many times in a row.

Having traveled with her for many years, he was well attuned to her bizarre sleeping habits. At least this time she wasn’t strutting around the room, clucking like a chicken. He wondered if it were a druid thing.

Pikachu moved himself to the front room and tried to fall asleep.

Before he drifted off, someone knocked on the door.

“Bugger off!” he called to them.

The knocking persisted.

“Oy! Don’t you know what time it is?”

The door crashed open and in walked an angry woman carrying a bag of scrolls.

The blood drained out of Pikachu when he got a look at her face.

“I- I…. Thought you were dead!” he stammered.

“Where’s Selinde?!” cried Galatea. “I won’t forgive her for what she did to me!”

To be continued!

Druid & Thief is a product of the union of Logan Grey and Mary Beecroft.

Druid & Thief Conquer the World (2)


Please reference the first entry to Druid & Thief Conquer the World before reading part two. Pikachu had just suggested the pair visit the town of Moldy Bottoms.

Selinde indulged herself in a jaw cracking yawn before answering. “I’m guessing you want more opportunities to practice your purse snatching?”

“Well, I mean there are other things we could do in the town. Maybe a tavern or..”

“I’m kidding! I don’t care what you do, just remember my invisibility wand only has one more charge.”

They walked back to the cabin and Selinde was entertained by Pikachu’s lack of skill with the bow drill. When he wasn’t paying attention she daintily flicked her wrist and a spark appeared to his delight.

I’ll let  him have that one. “Your woodcraft is improving. I’m impressed!”

Soon they had a roaring fire and if not for the rumbling in her stomach Selinde would have been fast asleep. “Too bad we didn’t have a chance to hunt. I would die for a nice rabbit stew.”

“I found these! Mushrooms have protein, right?” Pikachu handed Selinde a strange purple mushrooms with a pink spotted cap.

“I haven’t had much training in herb lore but this doesn’t look like any mushroom I’ve ever seen.” She quickly conducted a detect poison spell to see if they were safe. “I don’t know about their nutritional value, but at least they won’t kill us.” She popped a couple in her mouth and was surprised by their sweet taste. “These are actually quite good.”

The mushrooms turned out to have a strange addictive quality and both Selinde and Pikachu ate two fistfuls each. It wasn’t long before both of them were flat on their backs in the cabin staring up at the ceiling into space.

“Pikachu, I feel so strange,” Selinde whisered. “It’s like my entire body is on fire from my toes to the top of my head.” She rolled on her side to look at him. His eyes were so bright blue they seemed to glow. Had they always been so captivating. Must be the elf in him.

Pikachu also felt strange. “Selinde,” he whispered. “Where are you?” His vision  had clouded with twirling, pulsing light.

“I’m here, Pikachu. I’m waiting for you.”

She stood on the other side of the fire, her skin aglow in its golden reflection. Her eyes sparkled like emeralds.

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long,” she breathed.

Pikachus stomach dropped.”Whhaaaaaaaatt???” he croaked.

She stretched out her arms to him. ”Come to me.”

Without thinking, he leapt at her, but landed in the fire. But even third degree burns couldn’t stop the throbbing passion he felt surging beneath his trousers. After putting out the actual fire on him, he turned his inner fire to her.

“Selinde,” he moaned, while caressing her skin. It was rougher than he thought it would be, like bark.

“Enough stalling, Pik. I want you.” She went to undo his trousers.

“I just, um, I mean I might not be as big as…” he cringed as he tried to warn her about the abysmal size of his penis. Sex had evaded him too many times because of it. The women just simply couldn’t seem to continue while laughing so hard.

“What do you mean, Pik? You’re huge!”

Pikachu looked down to see he had grown exponentially.. was it some kind of magic?

He went at her with the full of his  passion.

“Pik!” her voice sounded far off. “Pik!” she said again. “Stop humping that firewood. We can’t get it wet.”


To be continued!

Druid and Thief Conquer the World is a product of the union of Logan Grey and Mary Beecroft!