Jehovah’s Witness

Well  I just made an enormous mistake by opening the door to a Jehovah’s witness.  Of course I didn’t know who she was or what she wanted until I opened the door.  She was a nice older lady in a brilliant read pants suit with blue grey eyes. I should have known something was up because the only older black women I know are at work.  My first mistake is having a big glass square in the top of my front door;the second mistake is leaving it uncovered.

The area in question is such a weird shape 24×27 or something, and I have not been able to find a blind or anything that is that exact size.  I had an old blanket covering the hole but it clashed with the rest of the colors in the room, which are red black and white.  I hated the blanket so much I just left the window uncovered.  It has proved powerfully inconvenient as my apartment is rather small so anyone standing on my porch can see into the living room, kitchen and all the way back to the bathroom.

There was no way to peek around the corner and get a look at the person standing at the door without them seeing me also.  And when I saw that it was a kindly old lady, I had no excuse to ignore her.  She immediately asked if she’d woken me.  She was lucky she had not because otherwise I wouldn’t have been quite so nice to her.  As soon as I heard the reason for her standing on my porch I groaned inwardly, and tried not to show the displeasure on my face.  I tried to think of a way out of having a long drawn out discussion about religion with her so I told her I was a Baptist thinking this would make her give up.

She said she wasn’t trying to convert me and then opened her bible to read me some scripture from Revelations, which to me is the abosolute scariest part of the bible.  I pasted a smile on my face and nodded at everything she said while wondering how long I had to keep up the fake niceties.  The passage she read was dealing witht he holy spirit and it said something about “a time when no one is sick and on one is dying…”  Then she asked me if that sounded nice to me about not having anymore pain.

“Like I’m having pain now walking up your steps but it’s a sacrifice I’ve made.”  Okay, I have like four steps and I would have much rather she saved her knees and not bothered to walk up them.  She asked me about my work schedule and I was trying to be vague about it saying I worked “traditional hours,” but she wanted to pin me down about when I would be home so she could “catch me.”

She gave me a pamphlet about the “holy spirit,” and wanted me to read it so she could come back and talk to me about it.  I felt like I was digging myself into a hole I would never get out of.  Just because I wanted to be polite and I hadn’t felt right lying to this self-proclaimed representative of the holy spirit, I had now opened myself up to yet another awkward unwanted visit.

I’m wondering what  you say to these people to get them to go away immediately?  I guessed I could say I worshipped the devil but that might have prompted a much longer sermon that the one I got.  Maybe I could say that I’m pagan and I that I pray to wood fairies?  I’m not sure if I could have pulled that off without laughing.  I’ll most likely just hang my old blanket back up and hide in bedroom the next anyone knocks on my door on a Saturday morning.


4 thoughts on “Jehovah’s Witness

  1. Sheila says:

    Suggestion for the next time someone opens Revelations, or any part of a religious text, and starts quoting:

    Throw your hands in the air, toss your head back, cross your eyes, and start screaming.

    Make certain your tongue protrudes from your mouth.

    Gets rid of them every time.


  2. Sheila says:

    Seriously though, say this:

    “I find this offensive. Please leave.”

    Follow with: no. No. No. No.


  3. Sheila says:

    Oooh I can’t stop!

    Say, I’d prefer to discuss Greco-Roman Polytheistic Paganism. One must be well-rounded.

    That wouldn’t get rid of her, but it would be fun trying to teach her a word with more than one syllable.


  4. Sheila says:

    Write out your own flyer, most printers have a flyer setting so you can fold properly, on the concepts of Isis, Jupiter Maximus, Athena, and a few other choice dieties. Write it from a believer’s perspective.

    When she returns, give it to her and tell her to come back when she is ready to discuss and possible participate in a ceremony to the Bona Dea.

    I’ll let you google Bona Bea.

    This is proving to be a little too much fun!


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