The Bell Jar Descending

Immer wann wier traurig sein. Always when we are sad. Who would have thought that turning on some German industrial music so that I could be motivated to clean my house, would bring on the tears? I was busy making a new cup of coffee and thinking about that second pumpkin muffin in the fridge (they aren’t that big after all), when I started to hear the music from the other room.

It had been playing for awhile but I wasn’t conciously paying attention but then I realized I could understand. The chorus was simple enough that I was able to translate. It basically sad “Even when we are always sad, we make a song for you.” Something about the words touched me and I cried a little. I wanted to cry a lot, you know the type of cry that leaves you breathless and tired afterwards. The cry that when you’re done you felt like you’ve given birth to something. The kind of cry that leaves your throat sore and your nose runny.

All weekend I’ve been fighting the urge to have a huge public breakdown. I cried in the CVS drive through pharmacy line and had to ask the lady for tissues so I could wipe my face and pretend to be normal for my next stop at Food Lion. I wonder what the girl, Kate, thought as she handed me my giant bag of glucose testing strips? She looked at me with my red tear stained face, handed me tissues and said “Have a nice day.” She was probably wondering when I would come back to pick up my prozac.

It seems as if the bell jar is poised over my head and I’m fighting it’s descent with the last little bit of strength in me. I’m trying hard to remain in public places so that I don’t have the chance to indulge in my moodiness. I have filled my house with lots of bright lights and lavender & vanilla airwicks to create a relaxing environment. Last night I turned on my Karaoke Revolution again for the first time in months and sang “Close My Eyes Forever,” for the first time ever and got a 50 thousand! It was awesome.

I jogged today at Daffin Park and thought that the exercise and sun would do me some good. It crept up on me and before I knew it I was again being assaulted by an army of bad feelings. I was taking turns running some and walking. One thing I did notice was that you can’t run and cry at the same time; your body just won’t allow it. So I guess whenever I feel sad I’ll just have to go jogging.

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