Druid & Thief Conquer the World (6)

Tavern

Artist conjuring by the fantastic Thaddeus Trueb!

Before partaking of this post, you might want to dine on posts 1-5 of Druid & Thief Conquer the World!

 

 

The next morning, they walked to the town of Moldy Bottoms. They found a busy market there. Selinde stopped to buy some ancient spells. Pikachu kept walking in search of something to steal. Wasn’t going to be easy in his wolf hybrid form, as people usually ran away screaming. On this day, however, he came across a group of people just standing around as if entranced.

“Don’t mind if i do,” said Pik, helping himself to the contents of their pockets.

Then it struck him that they actually were all entranced. All of them.

He turned around, feeling very uncomfortable.

Selinde was running toward him. “Just like in the spellshop,” she said. “What’s wrong with this town?” She waved a hand in front of the nearest villagers face. The man stared off into the distance and never blinked. She did a quick detect magic on the villager but the result didn’t make any sense. “Lets focus on one problem at a time. I think I saw an inn around the corner.

Pikachu and Selinde entered “The Maiden’s Head” and helped themselves to drinks from the bar while the patrons remained motionless in their seats and stared off into space. “Maybe they had too many of those spotted mushrooms?” he suggested.

“I have a feeling there’s something much more sinister going on. Here, let me see that arm.” Selinde began to mix up a poltice from the ingredients she’d purchased while Pikachu surveyed the room for the person with the richest looking clothes.

“Bugger all! There’s no damn lords or ladies in this midden heap.”

Selinde laughed. “What did you expect, the town is called Moldy Bottoms!”

“I swing my hammmeeeerrrr and smash yer head down! Yo ho, my hammer is miiighty. I pound your face right into the ground, Yo ho my hammer is strong!”

“Who the hell is that?” Pikachu looked to the direction of the sound.

“From the sound of that voice and those terrible lyrics it’s safe to say it isn’t the town Bard.”

“But it means there’s at least one person in town not frozen.”

An ale mug fell out of the sky and smashed on the table in front of them. The pair looked up to see a dwarf draped across the light fixture. It was naked, drunk and seconds from dropping it’s large hammer directly on top of their heads.

Selinde threw up her hand and froze the bleary eyed dwarf with a hold person spell.

The dwarf struggled against it, muttering the foulest of racial slurs.

Pik leaned back in his chair and propped his muddy boots on the table. “Reddora, what the bloody hell have you done to these people? Not that I’m complaining. Makes them all sorts of ways more compliant….”

“Wasn’t me, you ugly elf fiend! If you don’t let me go i’ll i’ll-” the dwarfs face screwed up, turning green. Pik took his feet off the table just in time to miss a spew of chunky vomit.

“Sick!” Selinde squealed in surprise and lost her concentration sending the suspended dwarf plummeting toward the ground.

Redorra, was wearing her helmet, but as usual, nothing else. “You scum-suckers!” She hopped to her feet, hammer in hand, took a mighty swing and instantly lost her footing falling backwards on her hairy ass. “Oof.”

“If you try the hammer again, I’ll open a portal to the fairie dimension and shove you right inside their mound!

“Wh-what’s that?” Redorra asked.

“It’s a world like ours except only fairies exist there. So there would be only fairies and YOU!”

“Nooooooooo!” Redorra protested and slammed her meaty fists onto the floor while simulatenously kicking her legs like a child. “I’ll be good.”

Druid & Thief Conquer the World is a foray into the imaginations of Mary Beecroft and Julie Bruce.

Advertisements

Druid & Thief Conquer the World? (5)

Please read previous sections of Druid & Thief 1-4 or this nonsensical adventure shall REALLY confuse thee!

 

“Ah bollocks,” said Pikachu, before transforming into a wolf hybrid and crossing the room to join his companion in the fight.

Selinde howled in delight opened her jaws wide and chomped down on the pretentious face of the priestess.

“Ahhh!” she screamed right before a fang punctured her windpipe.

“Guess your Goddess wasn’t paying attention today,” Pikachu growled in his half wolf voice. He chuckled as he swatted the nearest zombie fishman with his powerful arm and tore it’s body in half. However, since it was a zombie, it continued to advance on him dragging the ruined left side along behind it.

Selinde finished snacking on the remains of Galatea’s head, they hadn’t eaten anything but trippy mushrooms after all, and transforming to her wild shape did take energy. She transformed back into herself so she could use spells to help Pikachu clean house.

Even naked, with her mouth completely caked in Galatea’s blood, Pikachu couldn’t help but be aroused by Selinde. His trousers started to tighten even as a fishman zombie  grabbed his arm and took a bite while he was momentarily distracted.

“Awoooo!” Pikachu growled in pain and tore the fish zombie’s head from it’s shoulders and flung it to the other side of the room where it rolled near the holy headless body.

“Pik can you do the wind thing in that shape?”

“I think so,” he growled.

“I have an idea. I’m going to set them all on fire and then I need you to use your wind power to blow them away!”

Selinde summoned a fireball and directed it at what was left of Galatea’s henchmen. They all burst into flames and made terrible half scream half gurgling sounds.

Pikachu summoned the wind and blew the burning zombie fish out of the house and into the air where they rose until they could no longer be seen. His form started to shift as he began to return to his natural form but Selinde stopped him.

“Stay in your wolf shape. That thing bit you and your wolf form can probably handle it better than your natural state.” Selinde spoke a healing word and the needle like tears in Pikachu’s arm closed,” That fixed the wound but we still have to deal with the infection.”

druid